Breaking Point
by PopcornMaster
Summary: How can you try to keep a relationship floating when you at the same feel it slipping through your hands? Takes place after Justice, Anders Act III quest. Anders/F!Hawke pairing.


_Pillars of smoke was rising in the distance, the skyline a bright shade of orange and red as the fires from the explosion ravaged the city. Screams from the civilians caught in the middle of all the chaos echoed through the streets._

_The cause of it all was just one man. Anders had done all this, and she helped him do it, collecting all those ingredients and distracting the Grand Cleric for him. She did it even though she knew he was lying to her about his intentions. There was so much destruction and she had allowed it all to happen. How would she ever be able to forgive herself?_

_People fleeing the mayhem crashed into her, nearly knocking her to the ground. More screaming drew her attention and she looked up in horror as another house collapsed in front of her._

Autumn's eyes snapped open as she jerked up from the bed, waking from her nightmare. Her breath uneven was even as she tried to convince herself that the nightmare was nothing more than a bad dream. She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her pulled up knees and burying her face against them, waiting for her heartbeat to return to its normal pace.

It was early in the morning, the sun just barely coming up over Kirkwall's skyline to shine in through high windows in the Amell mansion, lighting up the ceiling in her bedroom, but it was not enough to chase the shadows in the corners of her mind away.

It had been two days since Anders had asked her to talk to Grand Cleric Elthina, to give her one last chance to change her mind about keeping her neutrality in the mages and templar conflict, but the woman had refused, and so Anders planned to kill her in the name of revolution. But the blame could hardly be laid at only his feet.

When he time and time again refused to tell her what he was planning, she had gone to the Circle, asked the few mages she could trust about the ingredients he had asked her to find, and now Autumn knew of his plans. She had every chance to stop him, but she wouldn't. She knew that if Elthina wouldn't intervene, then no matter how horrible the act, they needed another way to make the world open its eyes to the horrors mages suffered every day.

Autumn just wished that it wouldn't have to be this way. She wished that Anders would trust her enough to tell her himself what it all was for. What he planned on doing.

She tried to shake off the grim thoughts. She'd been down this road a million times; her mind running in circles about what had happened with Anders the last few days and how he had pulled away from her more with each day that passed. The more she pushed him for answers, the more he withdrew from her and she knew it was beginning to tear on the both of them. She couldn't stand that he didn't trust her, but she just didn't know if it was worth hearing the truth from him for once if it meant losing him.

Autumn reached out to her right, wanting to run her fingers against his stubbly cheek and hear the breathy sigh that gave her hope that everything would work out in the end, but her hand touched nothing more than a pillow.

She fought against the feelings of frustration and desperation that the empty room gave her as she slid out from under the blanket with a heavy sigh and reached for the clothes that had been thrown aside the night before to get dressed.

No matter how much she tried to convince Anders she was on his side he wouldn't open up and be honest with her. It seemed like the more tension there was between the mages and the templars, the more tension there was between them. She just couldn't understand how it ended up like this.

It had been a quiet morning, hardly any patients other than a few bad cuts and a child with a high fever. Anders wished it had been busier, so he could've kept his mind from drifting away. Instead, he couldn't stop thinking about Autumn.

He hated having to go behind her back like this and he felt the distance between them growing with each day that passed, but he couldn't tell her what he was really doing in case she would try to stop him, though he worried more that she would try to help him more than he already asked her to, and he couldn't stand to put her at risk. She was already too involved in this and if anything happened to her because of this, he would never forgive himself.

Then he heard the wooden door to the clinic open and close and footsteps followed. He turned around and saw Autumn coming towards him, dressed in the same ruby red robe as she'd worn the night before. Her stride was with purpose but her face wore a tired expression. She stopped a few steps away from him.

"Hawke," Anders said, and saw her tense when he used her surname rather than her given name. "I didn't think you'd come back here."

She exhaled and her posture became more relaxed as she took another step towards him. "Anders, please don't be like this." Autumn reached out and placed her hand on his chest, attempting to smile, but it was a pale imitation of the bright smile he loved. "Just tell me what this is all about."

"I've already told you," was his short reply.

Autumn dropped her hand, furrowing her brow. "I'm not stupid, Anders," she said sharply, a hard edge creeping into her tone. "I know this is about more than what you're telling me."

"I'm trying to protect you," he said calmly, "There's no reason we both need to hang."

A muscled twitched in her jaw. "That's not it. You're shutting me out," she said, trying to keep her face calm, but she could feel the frustration creeping under her skin. "We're falling apart and you don't even care."

He blinked, but still kept his expression calm as he replied, "I do care, but-"

"But we're not a priority to you?" she cried, cutting him off, no longer able to keep her emotions from surfacing. "I'm trying to give you a chance to make me understand why you're doing this! After all that we've been through together, _why_ can't you trust me with this, Anders?"

"I told you; I'm a liar, I'm a monster!" he blurted out, then quickly bit his lip. He added, softer, "I never claimed I would do anything but hurt you. Should I have told you the truth? There's no one in Kirkwall that I wouldn't kill to see mages free. How would you have reacted to that?"

Autumn winced. "Even us?"

His expression looked pained, but he didn't reply.

She reached up and cupped his cheeks with her hands and took a step towards him. "Anders, please, just tell me." She cloud hear the unsteadiness in her own voice and drew in a deep breath, desperately trying to keep herself together. "Don't push me away like this…" Autumn leaned in, gently pressing her forehead to his and closed her eyes.

She felt his hands tenderly wrapping around her wrists and she could hear him breathe in slowly as if he was readying himself to say something. "Autumn, it has to be done. I never wanted it to go this far, but…" He paused, and for a moment she thought he was just trying to find the right words, but then his grip on her wrists tightened and he pulled away. She cried out in agony as he twisted her arms away from him in a painful angle and with her eyes wide open see saw bright blue crack his skin, Anders warm amber eyes hidden behind the spirits icy blue.

"Justice," she hissed, struggling in vain to free herself from his grip.

"_This does not concern you!_" his voice thundered loudly, his hold on her wrists tightening until his knuckles whitened.

She glared daggers at him as she roared back, "That is not up to you! This is Anders' decision, not yours!"

"_I_ am_ Anders!_" he snarled in response as blue flames erupted from him, and she could feel the heat on her wrists through the fabric of her sleeves, but she refused to back away and let Justice take control over Anders.

"You are not him!" she growled back through clenched teeth, his blue fire mixing with her orange and red flames. "Let him be free of you, Justice!"

"_I will not!_" He retorted, twisting her arms until she fell to her knees to keep him from breaking her arms. "_You have given in to sloth! You would stand by while mages are abducted and tortured!_"

"You're wrong," she snarled, continuing to struggle to get away from his tight grip, and she felt tears burning behind her eyes, but she refused to turn her glare away from him. "I'm doing everything I can to help mages be free!"

He let go of her wrists, and she gasped in pain, cradling them to her chest, finally looking away from him as her eyes examined the burnt edged of her sleeves where his hands had been.

"_Anders has no need of you! Leave!_"

The flames disappeared nearly as quickly as they had appeared, and Anders stumbled back as he once more gained control over his body, his hands covering his eyes for a moment before he looked down at her, seeing her hunched over on the dirty floor in front of him. "Autumn…?"

She slowly got back up from the ground and though she was clutching her arms tightly he could still see the blackened edges of her sleeves. When she looked back up at him he could see tears pealing in the corners of her eyes, and he knew instantly what had happened.

"I'm…" The words disappeared when he looked at her. He sighed heavily. "It's like the longer we go, the lesser me there is." He was close enough to reach out and touch her, but he knew that if he did he wouldn't be able to let her go, so he kept his hands at his sides. "Being with you… loving you… I thought it would make a difference, but he's too strong."

"So you're giving in to him?" she asked quietly, closing her eyes and turning her head away. "You're giving up on us?"

With all his soul, he wanted to tell her that he wasn't, that there was nothing more he wished than to stay by her side, but this needed to be done. For once, he would do the right thing, the unselfish thing. "I told you I would break your heart. Just know that it breaks mine to do it."

The words cut through her like a dull blade. For a moment, the whole world was frozen in time. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe. Then, without a care for her shattered heart, the world started moving again.

She turned on her heel, without looking up at him, and headed for the door as calmly as she possibly could. She tried so hard not to, but couldn't keep herself from glancing over her shoulder, and saw Anders slumped down on a crate with his face buried in his hands. It took every bit of the strength that she had left to fight the urge to turn around and forgive him. She knew it wasn't Anders, but Justice, that was driving this wedge between them, and she couldn't stand to know that there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She opened the wooden door and walked out of the clinic, hoping with each step that she wouldn't fall apart completely and collapse to the ground.

Autumn knew that he wouldn't come to her when the night came. A part of her wished that he would return to her mansion and bed at the end of the day, but was drowned out by the hope that he wouldn't, because at least then it would mean that he was still the same man she once knew.


End file.
